I can be classified as an emotional eater, a stress eater, a closet eater, a "you-name-it" eater. My big problem is that I am an uber emotional person...I can start crying about something at the drop of a hat. I have no idea why, I just cry a lot. I have come to realize that I have suffered from depression over the last year or so, which has only added to my eating problem.
I weighed the most I have ever weighed in my life seven months ago, and have lost weight and gained it back, etc. I am overweight, for my age, and height. I know I have a problem, and I have admitted it time and time again, been there done that. I have tried to make the changes. I've tried dieting, and adding exercise to my daily life, but nothing ever seems to work. I've lost maybe 10 pounds, and gained back five... in the last seven months. How pathetic is that?!
I guess I should admit that I want to see results right away, which, I know, is an impossible expectation.
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| This is when I was 12... |
I know it contradicts what I said earlier about eating a lot, but I really ate a lot of healthy stuff, drank lots of water, walked a lot, played sports, I did everything I could, or so I thought, and yet I continued to gain weight.
Now, maybe it's because I'm still fighting depression or whatever, I eat whatever the heck I want, and I'm not happy about it, or the way I look. When I first sat down to write this thing, I had a plate full of chips next to me. Why? Oh just because I felt like eating...I know it's wrong, but I can't stop my body from eating. By the way, that plate is now empty...at least I stopped myself from licking the plate (just kidding I don't lick plates).
To add to my confusion, or to elaborate on what I was doing before recently, I was doing Insanity with a friend. Now for those of you who don't know what that is, it is INSANE! No pun intended....but it is ridiculous. It is a major work out. I was doing that everyday for about a month and a half. I NEVER LOST ANYTHING!!!! I kind of gave up on that, because if that wasn't working for me, I was a lost cause. Then, I was hurt by someone I trusted a lot. I was told that I was too fat to get into graduate school. On top of my own issues with myself, now I had this person, who like I said I trusted a lot, tell me something that was so beyond inappropriate and hurtful. He had no idea what I had been through. He had no idea that I had been working so hard to lose weight. He had no idea where I was emotionally; that I had lost a friend to a freak accident just a few months prior, and that my aunt was suffering from a horrendous cancer. He had no idea! Who the heck did he think he was?!
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| This is the best boyfriend in the world... |
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| Drue Carney...Dancing with Jesus... |
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| This is her as of a month ago, after a MAJOR surgery. |
Like I said before, I am an emotional eater. I suffered a loss, my aunt was suffering a lot, so I was trying to find something to help me deal. I thought I did, but then, began to eat...a lot. I ate a ridiculous amount of salads, and fruit, and boneless skinless chicken breast. I started making a lot of sugar free choices, but it didn't work.
Now, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I should start doing, or stop doing. I mean I know I need to cut back on food, and that I need to add more exercise, but as sad as it may seem, I just think to myself, what's the point? It never worked before, what makes me think it's going to work now? I don't feel pretty, and when I do, I'm only looking at my face and hair....and maybe my shoes :) I love shoes! I think I need to buy a mirror that only shows my face and feet. :)
You know...I think I just need to say this, so that I can get it out, and not have to deal anymore....but....sometimes I feel like there is no point getting out of bed....How sad is that?! I have a great family. My parents love me, I have an amazing sister, an awesome niece and nephew. my brother in law is super cool. I have a boyfriend who loves me......so why do I feel like there's just no point? I guess my problem goes much deeper than just body image issues...I guess this begins a journey to discovering what the real problem is.....maybe once I do that, I can conquer all the other little things.....
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| World's best sister....hands down! |
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| Mi familia... |
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| Graduation day. |
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| I love them |
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| This is what we do in our spare time... |
You are beautiful, and I can tell from just what you wrote how beautiful you are inside as well. I know the struggles of gaining and losing weight and of depression and those things are not easy to deal with. It is very brave of you to write it all down and share, and I appreciate your honesty and sincerity. I look forward to more posts from you, and i wish you luck in achieving your goals!
ReplyDeleteThank you Callan, that means a lot to me, more than you know. I hope to keep posting a lot more.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing, Christina. I too have struggled with many of the same issues and feel your pain. My advice to you is while you are still young do whatever it takes to get healthy and understand the problem. You will save yourself years of futher pain and frustration. I sure wish I would have. You are a beautiful and amazing woman and I look forward to reading many inspiring things from you as you take this journey! Praying for you!
ReplyDeletei've always been skinny my whole life. and ever since high school graduation i've gained about 20 lbs -- entirely my fault, i'm not working and i only go to school every other day, so of course i gained weight. now i'm trying to get it off. and.. i've been walking about 5 miles daily for the past 4 months.. and i gained weight. the only way i ever seem to lose weight is to starve myself. it sucks.. really badly.
ReplyDeletei know you from facebook, and from real life(from the past.. went to school with you at one point) but i want to remain anonymous.
first of all, when you exercise, do you compensate by eating more than you usually would? I ask because i do this. i let myself have extras if ive worked out. this is really bad because, well, all the hard work i did goes out the window because i want to eat a sundae or cookies or w/e
second, have you seen a doctor? have you had your thyroid checked out? there might be another reason to not being able to lose(though i doubt it)
third, have you considered seeking psychological therapy, or visiting a psychiatrist? please don't take offense to this. emotional eating is a symptom of bigger problems, and as you said, you're very depressed. you may need to be on medication to fight that depression, and therapy to tackle your emotional eating.
lastly, i read in your more recent post that you feel that eating more is a rebellion of sorts. this is no surprise to me since i've known you in real life. this is pretty much why i wanted to stay anon: you have been sheltered so badly your whole life by your parents and religion. you went to the same, tiny, oppressive school k-12 except for maybe one year i think in first grade. i doubt you have really had any real fun experimenting with anything "bad" or anything outside the cloistered christian bubble you were held in, during your teenage years. i always felt so bad for you that you were stuck at that school while i got out, and you didn't even seem to realize what you were missing. it still makes me feel bad to this day. you need to experience healthy rebellion.
hope you feel better