When I started this blog (albeit two days ago), I honestly didn't think anybody would read it--translation: I didn't think anyone really cared. While I did receive some amazing comments here and through other means, I can't help but still feel embarrassed. I didn't realize how embarrassed I would feel after posting my weight to the millions of readers who could, theoretically, see it. Granted only a handful of people read it, but still that is a handful of people who didn't know my weight.
Anyways, I got to thinking about what my next post would be about, considering it's only been two days since I started this journey. I thought about writing about the response I got from loved ones; I thought about tackling the real issue at hand...but I don't know if I'm ready just yet to face that issue. I think deep down I know, but I'm not really sure....
So, I'll just say this...I don't know how anybody can love me--let alone like me. They say you don't fully love anyone else if you can't love yourself (at least, I've heard that multiple places). Well I have a problem with this....I love my family. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. I would do anything for them. I would die for them--sure it may seem extreme now, but given the circumstance I'm sure I would gladly take the bullet. It is hard for me to grasp the fact that just because I may not love myself entirely, I can't love them. Does that make sense? I hope so...
There is no question that I suffer from a low self-esteem. But at the root of it all, I'm not sure why. I know I don't look like other girls. I know I'm on the heavier side, yet I see people who may be heavier than me and they have this confidence that I don't have. I grew up with an older sister who is gorgeous. She won't admit it, and she will argue with you if you tell her that, but really.....she is. Anyway, I grew up with her, she was always super skinny....she wore a 00......for those of you who don't know, that's the smallest size at Abercrombie & Fitch, and their clothes run super tiny....When she was pregnant with Isabella she started wearing a 1....I know big deal right?! Well she thought that it was terrible! Here I am, having no excuse--ie. I didn't just have a baby--at a size 10 and growing? Even now, as a size 0_ --I omitted the actual size because I don't want her to feel embarrassed, but I will say she's still really tiny even after 2 kids--she says she's fat. It is so hard to hear that coming from her, not only because it kind of makes me feel like crap, but because I think she is so beautiful...
Ok, so I had issues because I was in the shadow of my sister's beauty...but then there's this other person who shall remain nameless, but I'm sure you all know her...She's my cousin....she's also pretty, and ridiculously skinny...and she's been that way forever. Granted her genetics are different, but still....growing up in her shadow made me feel even more like crap....it still does! She just had her second baby, and lost all of the baby weight in 4 weeks.....sure she works hard, but dude really?!
Not only was I surrounded by skinny people....it just seemed to me like everything was weight-centric...I was always asked, "are you sure you want that?""should you really be eating that?" and my favorite "you already had something earlier". Maybe that's why I eat. I eat because it's a sign of rebellion....it's me saying, "Yes, I want this." "Maybe not, but it's my choice and I want it NOW!" (too much like that commercial?) and "Yes I had lunch, but now it's dinner, and I want food..." It's my way of taking control of things, even though I technically already admitted that I have no control anymore whatsoever.....hmmm.
All this is to say, that yes I have body image issues...and yes I'm not happy with myself, and maybe I don't show myself enough love....but I truly love my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. I wonder if I learn to love myself more, if that would show through the way I love all my loved ones...even if I can't do it for me just yet, don't they deserve that? I think they do...I think I owe it to them to find out...right?
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