So I haven't written in a while.....but I haven't exactly been feeling up to writing anything internally thought provoking....if that makes sense. A lot has happened since I last posted...which was only what, like two weeks ago today. Happy belated New Year everyone. :)
Well let's see....I feel I must mention that anything that I write is in a way a repsonse to comments from people I encounter, and maybe some from people who comment on here, but I don't intend to "disrespect" or "harm" or be mean in my response. As I said before, I hear a lot of comments from people about my life (I have a large family....), and this blog just gives me a place to lay it all out, honestly, and with no arguement from the peanut gallery telling me that what I feel is wrong. This just gives me a place to sort through my own feelings, and see where I can make changes, or see where I went wrong in my reaction to certain things.
Okay now down to the nitty gritty, when I started this blog, I weighed 225.....as of right now.....I am.......drumroll please......219 (that was as of yesterday right when I woke up). Here's the kicker, and the most frustrating part, I didn't change anything. I still eat the same foods, I still do the same thing, and now I lost what 6 pounds? How does that work?! Maybe subconsciously I'm making better choices, but I honestly don't feel like I've made that many changes.
One of the major things I've noticed over the past month is the amount of depressed days I've had. I had one the other day, where I didn't want to come out of my room. I've also noticed an increase in the amount of arguements I had with my parents, with Tyler, with God....and with myself. I feel so bad because I don't want to fight with any of them, I don't want them to be mad at me, I don't want to be mad at them. Something I told my mom the other day was that most times it feels like I'm on the defense. Now, I'm not saying all the time but a lot of times, it seems as though people are picking fights with me. They say something that comes across as biting, or attacking. I'm caught off guard and react. It's not the best method for responding, but that's what I do. I'm not gonna lie, I'm sure I'm to blame for some, okay maybe a lot, of the "fights" I get in.
On a sidenote, I'm beginning to realize how weird I am. I mean I've already claimed that I was an emotional eater, so wouldn't it make sense that because I was depressed I would eat more? I mean that's what I did before....
Anyways, I don't want to offend anybody with my religious beliefs, or anything so if you are easily offended I am sorry, but you may not want to read below this line....
Okay so it has already been said that I went to a Christian high school, and a Christian university...so needless to say I consider myself a Christian...maybe it is necessary I do mention that....hmm....Anyways, back to the point: I will be the first to admit that I am a struggling Christian. My parents are not struggling...or at least it seems that way. I will also be the first to admit that I went through the motions a lot of the time growing up. I went to Sunday school. I sang the worship songs, I prayed before meals, I prayed before bedtime, I didn't listen to "secular" music. I did everything I thought I was supposed to.
Now not many people know this, but I stopped going to Sunday school because of the way I was treated. I was left out of so many fun events that people were having. I remember at one point someone said something about my weight, and that was it. I never went back. I started going with my parents. Somewhere along the way, I lost the drive to do everything I thought I was supposed to.
Somewhere along the way, I felt like God left me....my mom asked me something that really made me think....she said, "Are you sure you didn't leave Him?" to which I responded, "No, I've tried anything and everything I can think of to get close to Him, and He doesn't come." Now as I think about it, I realize how stupid I am.
Now, like my weight, I've never told anyone this. I've never said anythign, I've kept this to myself. I am deeply hurt by God....I don't think I've ever admitted this to myself really until now.... but as I think about my reason, I realize how selfish I am/have been. I was so hurt with God because I prayed and prayed and prayed for Him to heal my mom. Since I can remember, I remember getting on my knees and praying for my mommy. What happened? She got worse....but you know what? I never realized that maybe He did answer my prayers....she's still alive....how do I know that she shouldn't have died on that operating table, or any other time for that matter. Granted I prayed and prayed after all that, but still. I prayed for friends of mine, and they passed away. I admit, I am still kind of scared to pray for people because I am scared that if somehting happens it will be my fault, but....Idk. Now my realization doesn't exactly heal me right way, but it's a start...
At some point as I was growing up, I realized that I'm not part of a religion. I don't want to be part of a religion. I have come to realize that what I should strive for is to be in a relationship, not a religion. I still believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. That He died on the cross, and three days later was raised from the dead. I've always believed it. I will admit that I still struggle with the fact that God could love me...unconditionally. But I KNOW He does, it's just hard to believe sometimes....does that make sense? I've heard it said that someone can only love you as much as you love yourself. If that's true, then crap! Haha just kidding....no seriously though....if that's true, then I don't know.....
Ok, so as I said, I believe in Christ. I am dealing with the other issues, and I'm hoping that because I've pushed through the denial, that I can make changes for the better......we'll see.....Here's to hoping....
