An Update....A little late but an update none the less...

So it's been quite a while since I last wrote about what was going on....I started a blog in June of last year but never posted it--well actually I never finished the thought. I thought I would post it here and then expand my update after I finish that thought.....

Title: Maybe A Change Is Needed...
So, I was at work the other day, and listening to Pandora's Adele channel, when Lifehouse's song "Everything" came on. Now I've heard this song many many times before, but for some reason this time really tugged at my heartstrings. The song finished, but I wanted to repeat it and you can't repeat songs on Pandora. So I went to youtube to watch the skit. I realized that I need to focus on my inner self (spiritual self if you will) before I can make the changes I need to change my physical self.........
That was all I had down.....so yeah.


In case you haven't seen this skit, here it is....

Now for an update:

I'm not sure if I mentioned in any previous posts about my Tia Deanna, but my Tia was/is very near and dear to my heart. She had been sick for a while, and in the fall of 2011 I stayed with her in the hospital for about 2 weeks, and then another week or so with her at my grandparents house. I feel like I need to get everything off my chest about this, so what better place than here right? Here goes.....after she came back from the hospital she was up and down for a long time. For whatever reason, I felt like if I didn't talk to her that maybe she'd get better or she wouldn't get worse. I'm not sure what my logic behind that was, but that's what I was thinking. I avoided calling her because I would break down in tears and I didn't think that she needed to hear me crying because it would only make her feel worse.

Tia was FINALLY able to have something to eat. It was such a battle for her to be able to keep things down.

I didn't see her for a long time, in fact I can't really remember the last time I saw her. All I knew was that I was....depressed. My weight went up because of it, because I kept eating away my saddness. In September, my co-worker and I decided to do the "One Day Diet" where you don't eat for the whole day, but you substitute protein waters for meals every 1 1/2 - 2 hours. Of course there was some weight loss but that's because I was starving myself. On September 5th, my Tia passed away. I hadn't seen her in months, and I hadn't really talked to her all that much either. I thought I would have all the time in the world to tell her how much I love her. My sister and I were on our way to the hospital to tell her we loved her and in essence say goodbye, when my dad called us and told us to turn around because she had already passed away. Needless to say my world was turned upside down. I deviated from my so called diet, and continued to eat away all the pain and saddness I was feeling.

By December, I was so unhappy with myself that I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror. Tyler and his family invited me to Kentucky for New Years, and I was so excited to go, but so scared about what they would think about the big girl that Tyler was dating. Of course that was all in my head, but I realized that if I wanted others to think highly of me, then I needed to think highly of myself. Side note, I had an amazing time out there. I would LOVE to go back to visit.




I got to help make my FIRST snowman ever!

For the next two months I went back and forth with what I needed to do, and how I could make a change both physically and emotionally. I joined the choir at my church, and that brought me back to the days of doing gospel choir at Point Loma. Those were the days when I felt like I was connected to God the most. Once I started with that, I talked to my parents about something I had been bouncing back and forth about. At the end February we decided that it would be in my best benefit to at least try it out to see if it would work.

On March 2nd, I joined Weight Watchers Online. My starting weight was.......233.3 ( I almost cried....). Everyday when I eat something I track it, and count my points. I gave up soda for Lent, so no more sodas. I stopped getting seconds because it took away everyday points. The first week, I lost 10 pounds! I knew it was mostly water weight, but still 10 pounds! The next week, another 5.As of March 16th, after only 3 weeks, I've lost a total of 20 pounds!!!

This is me back in January....

This is me on Sunday March 17th....

The best part is, I'm starting to feel better about myself both inside AND out! No, I'm not a paid spokesperson, but I would highly recommend joining Weight Watchers Online if you are wanting something that is going to make a difference. I'm going to sound like a commercial right now but whatever....I can eat what I want when I want, BUT I can choose not to eat the unhealthy stuff. I choose to eat healthy, and track everything. It's so easy to cheat, but it's not worth it to cheat....and I haven't (yet--I say yet, because I'm only human). Doing this program had taught me how to eat, and what to eat.

Enough promotions :) I hope to update you (whoever you are) of more good news in the future. :)

Peace and love to you all!

Hmmm....interesting

So after my little rant type thing this morning, I found this article.....

http://health.yahoo.net/articles/weight-loss/i-lost-103-pounds


I feel like this was written specifically for me.....Idk...

Just a few musings...

So, I haven't really written much for a while, and I think that's mostly because I don't really feel very motivated to do a lot....

I started a new job about a month ago, and while I absolutely love working there, I find it difficult to maintain a healthy lifestyle as far as lunchtime is concerned. I mean when I worked at Macy's I had the opportunity to eat at Subway, or the food court and get a veggie burrito or whatever, but now that I'm at this new place, I am consistently eating not so great things.

I don't take a lunch break at work.....or let me rephrase, I work through my lunch break. There is a place next door, Pizza Nosh, that is the bomb diggity. I believe they are orthodox Jews, and they serve only vegetarian food. It is so convenient to just go next door, and they give us a deal, but I feel likes it's not a very smart choice.

About 3 weeks ago, I hit the 10 lb mark. I was so excited! I couldn't believe I had actually done it! But withing the week, I had gained some back. I'm at about 5 lbs now.....and it's.....well it's depressing. I FEEL like I've been doing so much, but the more I think about it, I KNOW I've been giving in a lot more than I should.

I'm trying to do what a lot of diet plans say where you should take a cheat day just to break up the mundane. But I feel like I cheat too often. I honestly am at a loss. I don't have the motivation that I want, and I don't know how to become motivated.

In the coming months and weeks I'm going to start training to do a 5k, but I just feel so bleh about everything. I'm so discouraged about it, and I don't know how to become encouraged......

My hope is to update more frequently than I have been.....here's hoping for encouragement.

update

So it's been a really long time since I've last posted. I started a new fad thingy, and so far it seems to be working. I've lost a total of about 7 lbs in the last 3-4 weeks. It has definitely fluctuated though because I hurt my knee, but you know who cares, at least it's somewhat coming off.  I have to say, I haven't noticed a change other than the numbers on the scale, but other people have noticed. I think a part of the reason that I have fluctuated in my weight loss is stress....I've been working at Macy's, and searching for a better job. I'm still working at Macy's and still looking for another job. I've interviewed, and submitted resumes, but still nothing. I think I'm going to try to take my stress out through exercise. I'm going to try to focus all of that energy I spend stressing into exercising.....we'll see how that goes....


Well I have to go run a bunch of errands, but I will post again soon!!!!

Dig a Little Deeper...

So I haven't written in a while.....but I haven't exactly been feeling up to writing anything internally thought provoking....if that makes sense. A lot has happened since I last posted...which was only what, like two weeks ago today. Happy belated New Year everyone. :)

Well let's see....I feel I must mention that anything that I write is in a way a repsonse to comments from people I encounter, and maybe some from people who comment on here, but I don't intend to "disrespect" or "harm" or be mean in my response. As I said before, I hear a lot of comments from people about my life (I have a large family....), and this blog just gives me a place to lay it all out, honestly, and with no arguement from the peanut gallery telling me that what I feel is wrong. This just gives me a place to sort through my own feelings, and see where I can make changes, or see where I went wrong in my reaction to certain things.

Okay now down to the nitty gritty, when I started this blog, I weighed 225.....as of right now.....I am.......drumroll please......219 (that was as of yesterday right when I woke up). Here's the kicker, and the most frustrating part, I didn't change anything. I still eat the same foods, I still do the same thing, and now I lost what 6 pounds? How does that work?! Maybe subconsciously I'm making better choices, but I honestly don't feel like I've made that many changes.

One of the major things I've noticed over the past month is the amount of depressed days I've had. I had one the other day, where I didn't want to come out of my room. I've also noticed an increase in the amount of arguements I had with my parents, with Tyler, with God....and with myself. I feel so bad because I don't want to fight with any of them, I don't want them to be mad at me, I don't want to be mad at them. Something I told my mom the other day was that most times it feels like I'm on the defense. Now, I'm not saying all the time but a lot of times, it seems as though people are picking fights with me. They say something that comes across as biting, or attacking. I'm caught off guard and react. It's not the best method for responding, but that's what I do. I'm not gonna lie, I'm sure I'm to blame for some, okay maybe a lot, of the "fights" I get in.

On a sidenote, I'm beginning to realize how weird I am. I mean I've already claimed that I was an emotional eater, so wouldn't it make sense that because I was depressed I would eat more? I mean that's what I did before....

Anyways, I don't want to offend anybody with my religious beliefs, or anything so if you are easily offended I am sorry, but you may not want to read below this line....

Okay so it has already been said that I went to a Christian high school, and a Christian university...so needless to say I consider myself a Christian...maybe it is necessary I do mention that....hmm....Anyways, back to the point: I will be the first to admit that I am a struggling Christian. My parents are not struggling...or at least it seems that way. I will also be the first to admit that I went through the motions a lot of the time growing up. I went to Sunday school. I sang the worship songs, I prayed before meals, I prayed before bedtime, I didn't listen to "secular" music. I did everything I thought I was supposed to.

Now not many people know this, but I stopped going to Sunday school because of the way I was treated. I was left out of so many fun events that people were having. I remember at one point someone said something about my weight, and that was it. I never went back. I started going with my parents. Somewhere along the way, I lost the drive to do everything I thought I was supposed to.

Somewhere along the way, I felt like God left me....my mom asked me something that really made me think....she said, "Are you sure you didn't leave Him?" to which I responded, "No, I've tried anything and everything I can think of to get close to Him, and He doesn't come." Now as I think about it, I realize how stupid I am.

Now, like my weight, I've never told anyone this. I've never said anythign, I've kept this to myself. I am deeply hurt by God....I don't think I've ever admitted this to myself really until now.... but as I think about my reason, I realize how selfish I am/have been. I was so hurt with God because I prayed and prayed and prayed for Him to heal my mom. Since I can remember, I remember getting on my knees and praying for my mommy. What happened? She got worse....but you know what? I never realized that maybe He did answer my prayers....she's still alive....how do I know that she shouldn't have died on that operating table, or any other time for that matter. Granted I prayed and prayed after all that, but still. I prayed for friends of mine, and they passed away. I admit, I am still kind of scared to pray for people because I am scared that if somehting happens it will be my fault, but....Idk. Now my realization doesn't exactly heal me right way, but it's a start...

At some point as I was growing up, I realized that I'm not part of a religion. I don't want to be part of a religion. I have come to realize that what I should strive for is to be in a relationship, not a religion. I still believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. That He died on the cross, and three days later was raised from the dead. I've always believed it. I will admit that I still struggle with the fact that God could love me...unconditionally. But I KNOW He does, it's just hard to believe sometimes....does that make sense? I've heard it said that someone can only love you as much as you love yourself. If that's true, then crap! Haha just kidding....no seriously though....if that's true, then I don't know.....
Ok, so as I said, I believe in Christ. I am dealing with the other issues, and I'm hoping that because I've pushed through the denial, that I can make changes for the better......we'll see.....Here's to hoping....

Hmm...

First off, I just want to say Happy Christmas!!!! I hope you all had an amazing Christmas with your families and friends.

Ok....so now to start....I've been having a tough time thinking about what to say/how to respond to some of the comments I got regarding my last post. So I'm just going to tackle them head on, and just so  you know though there are only three posted here, I've heard a lot of the same types of comments through different means.

One of the comments that I heard in particular struck me as odd. It is a fact that I went to the same Christian school for about 13 years...yeah.....I know. It is a fact that my parents are Christians, and that I went to the same church as them. It is definitely safe to say I grew up in a Christian home, my dad was on the Board of Shepherds of the church. This is all factual, there is no denying that.

While there is no doubt I lived a sheltered life, I don't think that my sheltered life is the reason for my eating/weight problem. There are so many other people who have gone to private schools for a long time, and they are "A-ok". I have no one to blame for my eating problem but myself. It's not my teachers fault. It's not even my parents fault. My parents have always been on me about eating healthy, and exercising and what not. It's not my cousin's fault. It's not my sister's fault....it's mine. I choose to eat the food. I choose to keep eating.

Now while I admit that because I grew up the way I did, I missed out on a lot of stuff that other people did. I didn't go to parties. I didn't drink til I was 21.....I was considered the "goody-goody". This is also a fact. But so what? So what if I didn't have those nights that I don't remember because I was too wasted. I have so many great nights that I do remember, and that's amazing.

The other thing that kind of makes me chuckle when I hear stuff like that, is my situation was WAY different than everybody else. I had to grow up faster than a lot of other people my age. Most days I came home from practice, did my homework (on a good day ;) ) and then helped my sister make dinner for my parents. Then I was helping with my niece. There was so much more that I had to worry about that most people didn't have to worry about.

This is not a pity party.....at all. This is a review of the facts. This is a very tired review of the facts.....one that will probably be edited or deleted when a fully rested wide awake person is able to reread it and fix it. But for now....that is all.....until next time, I will continue to think about the deeper aspects of my problem....peace and love

And so begins the journey....

   When I started this blog (albeit two days ago), I honestly didn't think anybody would read it--translation: I didn't think anyone really cared. While I did receive some amazing comments here and through other means, I can't help but still feel embarrassed. I didn't realize how embarrassed I would feel after posting my weight to the millions of readers who could, theoretically, see it. Granted only a handful of people read it, but still that is a handful of people who didn't know my weight.

   Anyways, I got to thinking about what my next post would be about, considering it's only been two days since I started this journey. I thought about writing about the response I got from loved ones; I thought about tackling the real issue at hand...but I don't know if I'm ready just yet to face that issue. I think deep down I know, but I'm not really sure....

   So, I'll just say this...I don't know how anybody can love me--let alone like me. They say you don't fully love anyone else if you can't love yourself (at least, I've heard that multiple places). Well I have a problem with this....I love my family. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. I would do anything for them. I would die for them--sure it may seem extreme now, but given the circumstance I'm sure I would gladly take the bullet. It is hard for me to grasp the fact that just because I may not love myself entirely, I can't love them. Does that make sense? I hope so...

   There is no question that I suffer from a low self-esteem. But at the root of it all, I'm not sure why. I know I don't look like other girls. I know I'm on the heavier side, yet I see people who may be heavier than me and they have this confidence that I don't have. I grew up with an older sister who is gorgeous. She won't admit it, and she will argue with you if you tell her that, but really.....she is. Anyway, I grew up with her, she was always super skinny....she wore a 00......for those of you who don't know, that's the smallest size at Abercrombie & Fitch, and their clothes run super tiny....When she was pregnant with Isabella she started wearing a 1....I know big deal right?! Well she thought that it was terrible! Here I am, having no excuse--ie. I didn't just have a baby--at a size 10 and growing? Even now, as a size 0_ --I omitted the actual size because I don't want her to feel embarrassed, but I will say she's still really tiny even after 2 kids--she says she's fat. It is so hard to hear that coming from her, not only because it kind of makes me feel like crap, but because I think she is so beautiful...

   Ok, so I had issues because I was in the shadow of my sister's beauty...but then there's this other person who shall remain nameless, but I'm sure you all know her...She's my cousin....she's also pretty, and ridiculously skinny...and she's been that way forever. Granted her genetics are different, but still....growing up in her shadow made me feel even more like crap....it still does! She just had her second baby, and lost all of the baby weight in 4 weeks.....sure she works hard, but dude really?!

   Not only was I surrounded by skinny people....it just seemed to me like everything was weight-centric...I was always asked, "are you sure you want that?""should you really be eating that?" and my favorite "you already had something earlier". Maybe that's why I eat. I eat because it's a sign of rebellion....it's me saying, "Yes, I want this." "Maybe not, but it's my choice and I want it NOW!" (too much like that commercial?) and "Yes I had lunch, but now it's dinner, and I want food..." It's my way of taking control of things, even though I technically already admitted that I have no control anymore whatsoever.....hmmm.

   All this is to say, that yes I have body image issues...and yes I'm not happy with myself, and maybe I don't show myself enough love....but I truly love my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. I wonder if I learn to love myself more, if that would show through the way I love all my loved ones...even if I can't do it for me just yet, don't they deserve that? I think they do...I think I owe it to them to find out...right?