Hmm...

First off, I just want to say Happy Christmas!!!! I hope you all had an amazing Christmas with your families and friends.

Ok....so now to start....I've been having a tough time thinking about what to say/how to respond to some of the comments I got regarding my last post. So I'm just going to tackle them head on, and just so  you know though there are only three posted here, I've heard a lot of the same types of comments through different means.

One of the comments that I heard in particular struck me as odd. It is a fact that I went to the same Christian school for about 13 years...yeah.....I know. It is a fact that my parents are Christians, and that I went to the same church as them. It is definitely safe to say I grew up in a Christian home, my dad was on the Board of Shepherds of the church. This is all factual, there is no denying that.

While there is no doubt I lived a sheltered life, I don't think that my sheltered life is the reason for my eating/weight problem. There are so many other people who have gone to private schools for a long time, and they are "A-ok". I have no one to blame for my eating problem but myself. It's not my teachers fault. It's not even my parents fault. My parents have always been on me about eating healthy, and exercising and what not. It's not my cousin's fault. It's not my sister's fault....it's mine. I choose to eat the food. I choose to keep eating.

Now while I admit that because I grew up the way I did, I missed out on a lot of stuff that other people did. I didn't go to parties. I didn't drink til I was 21.....I was considered the "goody-goody". This is also a fact. But so what? So what if I didn't have those nights that I don't remember because I was too wasted. I have so many great nights that I do remember, and that's amazing.

The other thing that kind of makes me chuckle when I hear stuff like that, is my situation was WAY different than everybody else. I had to grow up faster than a lot of other people my age. Most days I came home from practice, did my homework (on a good day ;) ) and then helped my sister make dinner for my parents. Then I was helping with my niece. There was so much more that I had to worry about that most people didn't have to worry about.

This is not a pity party.....at all. This is a review of the facts. This is a very tired review of the facts.....one that will probably be edited or deleted when a fully rested wide awake person is able to reread it and fix it. But for now....that is all.....until next time, I will continue to think about the deeper aspects of my problem....peace and love

And so begins the journey....

   When I started this blog (albeit two days ago), I honestly didn't think anybody would read it--translation: I didn't think anyone really cared. While I did receive some amazing comments here and through other means, I can't help but still feel embarrassed. I didn't realize how embarrassed I would feel after posting my weight to the millions of readers who could, theoretically, see it. Granted only a handful of people read it, but still that is a handful of people who didn't know my weight.

   Anyways, I got to thinking about what my next post would be about, considering it's only been two days since I started this journey. I thought about writing about the response I got from loved ones; I thought about tackling the real issue at hand...but I don't know if I'm ready just yet to face that issue. I think deep down I know, but I'm not really sure....

   So, I'll just say this...I don't know how anybody can love me--let alone like me. They say you don't fully love anyone else if you can't love yourself (at least, I've heard that multiple places). Well I have a problem with this....I love my family. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. I would do anything for them. I would die for them--sure it may seem extreme now, but given the circumstance I'm sure I would gladly take the bullet. It is hard for me to grasp the fact that just because I may not love myself entirely, I can't love them. Does that make sense? I hope so...

   There is no question that I suffer from a low self-esteem. But at the root of it all, I'm not sure why. I know I don't look like other girls. I know I'm on the heavier side, yet I see people who may be heavier than me and they have this confidence that I don't have. I grew up with an older sister who is gorgeous. She won't admit it, and she will argue with you if you tell her that, but really.....she is. Anyway, I grew up with her, she was always super skinny....she wore a 00......for those of you who don't know, that's the smallest size at Abercrombie & Fitch, and their clothes run super tiny....When she was pregnant with Isabella she started wearing a 1....I know big deal right?! Well she thought that it was terrible! Here I am, having no excuse--ie. I didn't just have a baby--at a size 10 and growing? Even now, as a size 0_ --I omitted the actual size because I don't want her to feel embarrassed, but I will say she's still really tiny even after 2 kids--she says she's fat. It is so hard to hear that coming from her, not only because it kind of makes me feel like crap, but because I think she is so beautiful...

   Ok, so I had issues because I was in the shadow of my sister's beauty...but then there's this other person who shall remain nameless, but I'm sure you all know her...She's my cousin....she's also pretty, and ridiculously skinny...and she's been that way forever. Granted her genetics are different, but still....growing up in her shadow made me feel even more like crap....it still does! She just had her second baby, and lost all of the baby weight in 4 weeks.....sure she works hard, but dude really?!

   Not only was I surrounded by skinny people....it just seemed to me like everything was weight-centric...I was always asked, "are you sure you want that?""should you really be eating that?" and my favorite "you already had something earlier". Maybe that's why I eat. I eat because it's a sign of rebellion....it's me saying, "Yes, I want this." "Maybe not, but it's my choice and I want it NOW!" (too much like that commercial?) and "Yes I had lunch, but now it's dinner, and I want food..." It's my way of taking control of things, even though I technically already admitted that I have no control anymore whatsoever.....hmmm.

   All this is to say, that yes I have body image issues...and yes I'm not happy with myself, and maybe I don't show myself enough love....but I truly love my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. I wonder if I learn to love myself more, if that would show through the way I love all my loved ones...even if I can't do it for me just yet, don't they deserve that? I think they do...I think I owe it to them to find out...right?

I have a problem....

Isn't it said that the first step of recovery is admitting you have a problem? Well that's simple! I have a problem. I love to eat. When I say I love to eat, I mean I LOVE to eat. I love to snack. I love any excuse to eat.
I can be classified as an emotional eater, a stress eater, a closet eater, a "you-name-it" eater. My big problem is that I am an uber emotional person...I can start crying about something at the drop of a hat. I have no idea why, I just cry a lot. I have come to realize that I have suffered from depression over the last year or so, which has only added to my eating problem.
I weighed the most I have ever weighed in my life seven months ago, and have lost weight and gained it back, etc. I am overweight, for my age, and height. I know I have a problem, and I have admitted it time and time again, been there done that. I have tried to make the changes. I've tried dieting, and adding exercise to my daily life, but nothing ever seems to work. I've lost maybe 10 pounds, and gained back five... in the last seven months. How pathetic is that?!
I guess I should admit that I want to see results right away, which, I know, is an impossible expectation.

This is when I was 12...

But you see, I have always been an athletic person. I played at least three sports a year since I was in middle school (10 years ago), and I played softball since I was four years old. I'm only 22, and I weigh....225 pounds as of today....I have never admitted how much I weigh to anyone, including my own mom. I never understood how I could be so active, and weigh so much. Sure I indulge on some junk food every now and again, but until recently I never ate a ridiculous amount or a lot of unhealthy food.
 
I know it contradicts what I said earlier about eating a lot, but I really ate a lot of healthy stuff, drank lots of water, walked a lot, played sports, I did everything I could, or so I thought, and yet I continued to gain weight.
Now, maybe it's because I'm still fighting depression or whatever, I eat whatever the heck I want, and I'm not happy about it, or the way I look. When I first sat down to write this thing, I had a plate full of chips next to me. Why? Oh just because I felt like eating...I know it's wrong, but I can't stop my body from eating. By the way, that plate is now empty...at least I stopped myself from licking the plate (just kidding I don't lick plates). 
To add to my confusion, or to elaborate on what I was doing before recently, I was doing Insanity with a friend. Now for those of you who don't know what that is, it is INSANE! No pun intended....but it is ridiculous. It is a major work out. I was doing that everyday for about a month and a half. I NEVER LOST ANYTHING!!!! I kind of gave up on that, because if that wasn't working for me, I was a lost cause. Then, I was hurt by someone I trusted a lot. I was told that I was too fat to get into graduate school. On top of my own issues with myself, now I had this person, who like I said I trusted a lot, tell me something that was so beyond inappropriate and hurtful. He had no idea what I had been through. He had no idea that I had been working so hard to lose weight. He had no idea where I was emotionally; that I had lost a friend to a freak accident just a few months prior, and that my aunt was suffering from a horrendous cancer. He had no idea! Who the heck did he think he was?!

This is the best boyfriend in the world...

Thankfully, I had/have a great boyfriend who was supportive of me during that time, and understanding when I vent about my body. He always tells me that even if I'm not happy with the way I look, he loves me. He told me that if I feel a change is necessary, than I should change it. Not for him, or this guy, or my parents, or anyone else, just for me...because I wasn't happy with myself. He told me that he loves me regardless of how I look, regardless of what this guy said, he loves me.

Drue Carney...Dancing with Jesus...

This is her as of a month ago, after a MAJOR surgery.

Like I said before, I am an emotional eater. I suffered a loss, my aunt was suffering a lot, so I was trying to find something to help me deal. I thought I did, but then, began to eat...a lot. I ate a ridiculous amount of salads, and fruit, and boneless skinless chicken breast. I started making a lot of sugar free choices, but it didn't work.
Now, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I should start doing, or stop doing. I mean I know I need to cut back on food, and that I need to add more exercise, but as sad as it may seem, I just think to myself, what's the point? It never worked before, what makes me think it's going to work now? I don't feel pretty, and when I do, I'm only looking at my face and hair....and maybe my shoes :) I love shoes! I think I need to buy a mirror that only shows my face and feet. :)

You know...I think I just need to say this, so that I can get it out, and not have to deal anymore....but....sometimes I feel like there is no point getting out of bed....How sad is that?! I have a great family. My parents love me, I have an amazing sister, an awesome niece and nephew. my brother in law is super cool. I have a boyfriend who loves me......so why do I feel like there's just no point? I guess my problem goes much deeper than just body image issues...I guess this begins a journey to discovering what the real problem is.....maybe once I do that, I can conquer all the other little things.....
   

World's best sister....hands down!

Mi familia...

Graduation day.

I love them



This is what we do in our spare time...